Dean's Private Journal
by RedCatEye
Summary: A bonus for 'Split' and 'Tell me Who You Are'. Wherein we get a look into Dean/Moxley/Jonathan's mind/s through journal entries. Mentions of Dean/Seth and TW: Mental Disorders, Mature Language, past rape, abuse and drug use. *Update* Had to finish this on the third chapter since I ran out of ideas for it. And no one really wants to read 1st POV all that much.
1. Log 1: Dean Ambrose

**June 5, 2015, Fri.**

 **1** **st** **Entry (Dean Ambrose)**

Alright, I'm actually doing this. Okay let's do this.

My name is Dean Ambrose. I am currently 29 years old and I have DID. I am currently being diagnosed by Dr. Denzel Croft and he told me record stuff going on in my day-to-day life in this journal thing-y. It's been a week since I began to see Dr. Croft for help. I don't really know why I agreed to this journal but Seth told me that it might help me in…a way. I don't really remember the reason why he thinks so but he thinks this will help so that's something.

I've been living with this disorder, along with other diagnosed problems, ever since I was 17. I've been described by my co-workers as too impulsive and easily distracted. The only people I am confident in talking to are Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins and Jon Moxley.

I don't care what my psychologist says: I still refer to Mox as a separate person. I have a hard time in believing that Jon and I are the same person. We are just so different that it's hard to grasp that we are one.

I know that Denzel tells me that referring to my alters as different people can cause more dissociation but I can't help but refer to them as separate people. I guess it's because of the reason that I've lived with them for too long without really seeking any professional help.

But, Denzel did commend me for having insight and awareness of my alters, though. Most people with the same disorder don't know about who they "are" until given evidence. In my case, I didn't need any evidence since I already knew about Mox and Jonathan and our other alters.

What else did he advise me to do? He told me what I thought about _me_. Me, as in my alters? Uhm… Well, Jon Moxley is "different" than any alter I have. More often than not, he seems like he doesn't want to get better and like he wants us to keep living like this, disorders and all. I asked him one day about this issue but I didn't receive a response from him. Another thing I've noticed is when Dr. Croft tries to address Moxley, Jon doesn't seem to be interested in the conversation.

Even when he was triggered to come out, which was a last resort, he was silent and indifferent and looked absolutely murderous. As if, he wanted to kill me for making him do this. For the past three days, however, I've noticed he seems silent in my head and when I retreated back into my mind to talk, he's not there.

It's difficult to admit this but…I'm terrified that maybe I've lost Mox. I've never experienced losing an alter, it's always been him seeing me in the process of fading but never have I been on the other end of the equation. And it disturbs me to think that he's gone without me knowing what happened. I don't like to think that maybe it's because of the treatment since he is the primary subject in therapy, being the most disruptive and destructive alter.

But I can't help but think that maybe this is all my fault for seeking help. I killed one of my best friends and I can't sleep at night with this knowledge. Seth tries to convince me that maybe it was for the best but no, it's not. I feel like it's all getting worse. I feel like there's no balance and something's missing. I don't know what happened to Moxley but all I know is maybe I am the reason why he's gone.

 _ **-DA**_


	2. Log 2: Dean Ambrose

**July 7, 2015, Tuesday**

 **2** **nd** **Entry (Dean Ambrose)**

It's been a while since I've written something in this thing. I can't really find the right time to sit down and write something.

Almost a month into therapy and treatment and almost no progress, aside from the possibility that Jon faded or unified with Jonathan somehow. Turns out the whole "fading" process we would go through wasn't normal and Dr. Croft is trying to think of a reason why that happens.

But that couldn't be. If anything, I should be the one who'll come into terms with Jonathan and eventually unify. I think that would make sense because out of all the alters, Jonathan and I are the ones who are so much alike.

It's weird to not have that voice in my head calling me an idiot 95% of the time. I guess it's because ever since my existence, I've dealt with and learned to live with it.

There were no sudden switches during the month so the others assume I'm all "fixed up" but no. This disorder can't be fixed in that short of a time. It's not possible. And they think that all my alters are gone and I, Dean, am the only one left. Again, that's not the case.

From what I've been told, DID patients and their alters learn to co-exist and have co-consciousness. So they don't just "fade" or "die", they just learn to live with each other. In a way, all five of us learned how to live with one another but I guess that wasn't enough since there were still a few accidental switches going on.

So far, I think this is a bad idea. I just don't…think I need this, y'know? I've learned how to live with my alters and that should be enough. If I can teach myself how to figure out our triggers, then surely I can learn to co-exist with my alters. But I get it: Switching between a match is dangerous, especially if the personality that takes over is hostile.

I guess that's about it for today. I have to get to the arena in a few hours and it's a long drive.

 _ **-DA**_


	3. Log 3: Jon Moxley

**July 28, 2015, Wednesday**

 **3** **rd** **Entry (Jon Moxley)**

So, I don't know how Dean-y boy does this but I'm basically just supposed to write whatever I'm thinking about, right? Well, I don't think Dean would appreciate seeing the word 'tits' scrawled all over this thing. Nah, I'm just playing.

Yeah, I'm back. Well, actually I never left but here I am. Whoop-de-fucking-do! The only reason why they were worried about me is because I went away. It's like they didn't even think about what would happen if they lost me. I hope Ambrose sees that this whole treatment thing is deadly.

It was kinda heart-breaking to see them all scrambling to figure out what happened to me. In a way, they're my family. Even though they try their hardest to get rid of me, I guess they really do care. Damn, I'm getting soft, aren't I? But that's the only thing I can think of writing about right now without being too vulgar.

Uh…I'm gonna write this down in case Deanie wants to read this back:

I'm sorry if I made you worry but I'm okay. I just wanted to test something out and I already told you that. And I'm over it so can we please go back to the way everything was before? And besides, no one would take care of JG while you're out if I'm gone. I have my responsibilities, Dean. I do a lot of things but running away from responsibilities is not one of them.

Woah! Look at me, talking like a bigboy! Ha!

 _ **-JM**_


End file.
